4 Years of no blogging?!?

 Where to begin after 4 years of almost no blogging? My life is filled with others. My interesting, complicated and beloved boys. My good good husband. Scrolling through Facebook and other social media and getting caught in the loop of watching "funny" videos of other people's lives. Disciplining, worrying about disciplining, school papers to look through, missed papers to sign. The guilt of missing important papers, or feeling like I'm not caught up with what needs to be done. "Does my house smell musty? Do I need to sprinkle baking soda into the carpet? Maybe I should be washing my walls more, why can't I get on top of these piles of junk!?"...  The constant barrage of thoughts of what needs to be done and then the concerted effort to ignore those thoughts by zoning out completely on the easiest method of distraction. 

And through it all the constant "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

I have fallen and painfully have been redeemed. I have struggled through miry clay and I have been lifted out. I have been forgiven and found rest. I have been angry, tired, overwhelmed and then corrected and comforted. 

My homes have changed but stayed the same. Comforting, filled with my people and my things. I have lost a dog and gained a dog. My outward comforts have increased but my body and mind have struggled to be disciplined which has decreased my inner comfort. Aching bones and breathless lungs. An inner struggle to figure out how to do what is right to regain my physical comfort and to fight against the tyrant of age.

Some books have been read but mostly listened to. I have found it hard to sit down to read because it feels like a luxury I can't afford. I am realizing that it is not a luxury but a necessity that I can't afford to give up. The quietness of sitting, reading and quieting my soul is nectar! 

I've become an expert at short form sum ups of my life as social media doesn't have the same space and attention span as a blog. Introspection and diary writing have always felt awkward to me for some reason. I'd rather just live and not try to explain it or think about it but there is something cathartic about taking time to review and write my thoughts out or to explore different thoughts or topics that come across my mind. I am NOT an intellectual! 

But there is a part of my mind/soul that is desperate for intellectual stimulation, spiritual growth and deeper revelation. Much of this has to do with delving into scripture but also reading more, writing more and discussing more. 

So, once again I'm turning to a blog to assist in this. Maybe to challenge myself to write more which requires me to think more and read more. Maybe just to have an outlet that isn't super public to put things out there that I am thinking about. Maybe we all just need to bring back blogging again in general! If I can't sit around a table with a bunch of people who love to philosophize and talk endlessly then I can do that here... :p 

When Life Gives You....Olives

Ok, I know some of you think that olives are manna from heaven. I don't. They are black, squeaky and taste like..... moldy dirt? Rancid cockroaches? Soggy Socks? Can't quite put my finger on it. 

Anyways, for those of you who want to marry olives and can't get enough just fill in the blank with candy, bread, artichokes, turkey, celery or whatever food makes you gag. 
To me olives are a good example of something yucky, gross and frankly, disappointing. Life has a lot of those things. Of course there is SO much wonder and joy in this life but here are also those things that are hard to look in the eye. Things that make you just want to crawl back in bed and not come back out... until.... ever. But really why do I think that I should have all good and no bad in my life? Without the bad wouldn't the good stuff get mundane? For example, I grew up in Los Angeles. The weather in L.A. is amazing most of the time. When it rained or was cloudy or stormy we would run outside and breathe in the smell of wet pavement, cuddle up with a blanket on the porch and get happy chills from the excitement! Oh weather glorious weather! Compared to the beautiful 70/80 degree days a little weather was magical and amazing and so so glorious! Bring on the thunder!!

Now, I live in Utah where there is WINTER. Real live snowy, blowy, freezy, wheezy, dark, gray WINTER. There is real weather and the luster of blustery days has begun to wear off. Fall has taken on an ominous tone with the reality of Winter lurking just around the corner. I realize that these feelings may wear off someday. I may begin to accept the biting cold and the piles of snow. The kids fighting endlessly while the t.v. blares in the background. Cabin fever may become a welcome feeling. A time when I learn to knit or put 5000 piece puzzles together while I sip coco in the rosy glow of candlelight.  But this year, this month I feel kind of like Winter is a mouthful of olives and I have to gag it down, left to deal with the putrid aftertaste. 

As much as I am dreading the long Winter, I realize that I have to find the good. Kind of like how olives usually accompany two things that I love. Thanksgiving or Mediterranean food. I put up with the olives, or at least pick them out of my food, because I love the things that surround the olives. And aren't olives fun to stick on your fingers and wave around? 

Winter has to be like that for me. I've got to put up twinkly lights, play the fireplace movie on the t.v., take a walk in the snow, take up a new indoor hobby. It forces me to clean out closets that I have ignored the rest of the glorious year when we were frolicking by the pool or playing at the park. I can take the opportunity to rub yummy smelling immune boosting essential oils on my kiddos feet while they drool with relaxation. This is how I will have to face Winter. Not because I have to but because life is filled with things that are hard. Things that I have to do but don't want to do. I have to face these things because I want to live life well. This is the kind of self care that makes me a better person in the long run. Facing hard things with the knowledge that doing it well will be so good for my spirit and that I will be happier to have come through this hard thing having faced it well.  Even if it's.... Olives.

Confidence 101

When was the last time you walked through the door of a party or social gathering and felt really confident? Excited about the people that were there, happy with your outfit, your hair and your style? No fears about what others were thinking or if someone was judging you or not.
I would venture to say that most women, young and old alike rarely feel this kind of confidence on a regular basis. There are just too many feelings, insecurities and outside reasons that we tend to feel sabotaged when in social settings.

Maybe it was your mom's well intended comment about how you "HAVE to wear some lipstick or else you'll look like death warmed over!" Or it was the mean comment from the ex-boyfriend or male friend about the size of your legs or those tiny spider veins on your thighs. Maybe it was your best friend who while having a competitive moment decided to back handedly criticize your jeans, shoes or hair. All of those little barbs chip away at our self confidence and make us fret and feel less like ourselves and more empty and less of who you were meant to be. Especially if instead of seeing these comments or insults as the other persons problem, we see them as our problem. Really, your moms well intended comment probably came from her own mothers criticism or her own insecurities. That ex-boyfriend was really jealous and wanted to make you feel smaller because he himself was a small person inside. The guy acquaintance that made the flippant remark about the tiny spider veins maybe didn't mean it to be mean but was just being insensitive. The best friend is dealing with her own feelings of insecurity or fear and had a moment of weakness that translated into petty competition.
None of us is perfect but we can do our part to not perpetuate pettiness, unkindness and thoughtless hurtful words.

We can also choose to rise above our hurts and insecurities and work on finding out who we really are inside. When our inner life is full, happy and healthy we don't dwell on past hurts or others failures. Life can be about the joys we experience. Beauty that is encountered in nature and other people. It will be about our own creativity, success and thoughtful acts towards others.
Really, the secret to confidence is inner goodness.  It is focusing on getting to know the people at that party. Enjoying the atmosphere and the company of our friends and family. Making people laugh and laughing with each other!
When your inner life is healthy and full, the styles that you wear, the way your hair is done, how big or small you are doesn't matter as much. Of course it feels good to get dressed up and to work on our appearance but that ultimately won't fulfill you as much as cultivating joy, love and health inside your soul.
Be a person that exudes confidence by being a person that carries an inner light. A light that shines for others to see and follow. Let your beauty be something that radiates from the inside and grows stronger as you grow older. Your relationships will thrive, your life will have meaning and your future will be bright. All of the components to a confident happy life no matter what the social setting or life situation!